Trepidation and Self Loathing in New England: A journey into the wasted life

Opening: I Daydream

It was raining, and the rolling of thunder could be heard in the near distance. I was only 14 and terrified to go forward, but the thought of going home so soon paralyzed me with fear. I needed a place to stay, only until the storm passed. Only a few miles away, I knew a place. I ran…

The rain was beating down on me, hitting my exposed face like a shower of frozen needles. But I continued on, to the next step down on the spiral staircase that was my life. I continued running, my face became numb from the sharp rain. I wondered how nature could be so cruel at times.

My legs strained my face numb and my mind tired, I opened the wire mesh screen door and knocked on the broken down fake oak door behind it. My knuckles had taken some of the peeling paint with them. A souvenir for my travels ahead…

A man opened the door “Can I help you?” he asked, I imagined his serpentine tongue rolling against his lips as he asked the question with such devilish intentions.

”I need to get out of the rain… only until the storm passes. Please…” I asked him sheepishly as I looked to him, awaiting my fate.

“Well come in, no need for you to get a cold” he said warmly and held the door for me as I walked into the Dragon’s Den. It was warm, and the smell of smoke overpowered me. I was lead into the living room, it was cluttered, and I found myself lost in a maze of magazine pillars.

He motioned me to the couch, as I navigated through the maze of pornographic images stacked up to my waist I felt oddly lost at sea. Trying to wade through swamp of glossy prints featuring any deviant act you could dream up. He put an old news paper down on the couch and I quietly sat. “Thank you, so much” I said quietly with my hands folded in my lap.

“Oh I don’t mind, having a little company. It can get pretty lonely in this town” he remarked, smiling out of the side of his mouth, I could see his stained brown teeth as he rolled his cigarette from one edge of his lips to the other. “Oh I agree… it does get lonely…” I went along with his small talk, a small price to pay considering my other options.

He made more pointless small talk, lighting a new cigarette every time the current one went out. This went on for almost an hour, and I started to relax a little. It was warm, I begun to stare out of the window. I must have been ignoring him because he got up and went to the window. Saying “Looks like it’s not letting up” before looking down the road and closing the blind.

I looked at him, he locked the door and smiled at me in that same casual way as he turned and said “You know if you’re going to be here a while anyway. Maybe you wouldn’t mind making yourself useful?” I knew what he meant, but I hoped my mind wasn’t so cruel. “Oh! Well I’m a good cook, and I can tidy up if you’d like” I said, trying to be as cheerful and warm as possible.

“No, that’s not what I mean. I can do that myself. I need some help with a different area” He pulled out a bottle of scotch and poured me a shot, I shook my head softly. “Ha… What’s the matter not a drinker?” he took his shot, and mine. I looked up at him, wanting to run, my eyes fixated on the lock of the door.

He came up to me and ran his index finger and thumb over my jaw line, holding my chin and gently turning my eyes to him before feeling over my lips with his thumb. I felt dirty… but I felt trapped… please god not again I thought to myself.

I turned my head away “Please… no, I’d rather just leave if you don’t mind”. “Come on, I was nice to you. Why don’t you be nice to me?” I was frozen stiff, not letting myself look into his eyes I grabbed my jacket. “I’m sorry for bothering you. I’ll just go now.” He grit his teeth “I’m not going to hurt you.” He tried to be smooth, feeling over my neck with a finger before running a hand up my shirt to feel over my chest.

”Please, no I don’t want to” I pleaded with him but it only made him more aggressive. “Listen you little BRAT I let you into my home, now YOU have to do something for me!” I shuddered at the thought but I felt I had to… in my mind he had convinced me, and that lock on the door might as well have been across the world.

He grabbed my hand and took me to the bedroom, I didn’t struggle. He was bigger I knew I wouldn’t make it to the door. I was pulled away. I was pushed into the bedroom. My knees hit the bed I spilt into it, the man fallowing me, laying over me kissing down my neck. I felt dirty, the room was so cold. I missed the warm tobacco scented room. I missed the pillars of smut. I kept silent, still. I let him have his way. He had my wrists and my mind told me not to fight back.

I fell into darkness… I sank into the bed, far away from my body, and the troubles of the world. I was on my back naked, and drifting through darkness as the rain fell over me. I was at peace for a moment…

”Adon…. Adon! ADON!”

”Hm? What?” I woke up, I was sitting in a diner with Sadie, drinking coffee.

”You were spacin’ out again Adon” she told me as she added more sugar to her coffee “You were staring off at nothing, it was creepy” she added.

”Oh, sorry… I was just thinking about something” I fished my coffee, she paid for the meal. We went home.